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I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.