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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Iām the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.