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I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.