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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.