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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
At least a stalker is there for you.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.