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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.