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Happy people don`t take long showers.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?