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Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.