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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
What’s the answer to this question?
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Can I get likes for no reason?