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the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert