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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.