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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M