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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.