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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
As it turns out, Iām not an afternoon person either.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.