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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.