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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches