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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things