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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.