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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.