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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."