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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.