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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4ā of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.