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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......