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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.