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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I need a new bad decision.