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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.