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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Valentines day
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.