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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!