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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!