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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.