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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it