Daily Silly Status

I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.

This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.

One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."

My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot

I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress

Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.

I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"