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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I like the part of the day when food happens.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.