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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.