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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
No great story started with someone drinking water.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.