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never be afraid to wipe twice
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.