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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.