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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.