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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
It takes balls to be a man.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?