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I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Iām always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.