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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?