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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.