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If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?