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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.