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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.