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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.