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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.