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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?