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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned