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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...