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only 9530 days until retirement.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
he who laughs last thinks slow
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.