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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.