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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.