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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I flunked anger management class.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.