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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”