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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.