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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...