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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed