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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I hate when the remote is way over there
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?