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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I just threw up my weekend.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?