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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Save water, shower together.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.