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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.