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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.