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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Today one of my colleague told...... Buddy let get into serious studies... exams are on our heads.... And then both of us continued to chat with other people on fb for hours
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.