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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.