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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..