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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.