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Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment