Daily Silly Status

If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.

Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

My tricks aren`t for kids.

My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.

I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.

Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up

My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.

It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!

Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.