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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?