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You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...