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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.