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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol