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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Been there, done that. allegedly
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves