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Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"