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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.