Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.