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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
My life is based on a true story
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.