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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.