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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.