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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."