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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.