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Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.