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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.