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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?