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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.