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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m