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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
With great power comes great electricity bill.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.