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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.