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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.