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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk