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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.