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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".