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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”