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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.