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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace