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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent