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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.