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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.