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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere