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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…