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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Life`s short ... Drink fast