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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data