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You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.