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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.