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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”