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Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point