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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.