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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?