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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.