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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???