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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
That`s not how I met your mother.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.