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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.