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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome