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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Aren`t they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.