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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.