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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.