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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"